Mitch Hedberg

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.