Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet… — Quoted

“Quotes”

“Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'”

Mitch Hedberg · Time

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Mitch Hedberg

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

Time

Mitch Hedberg

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

Dreams

Mitch Hedberg

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

Funny

Mitch Hedberg

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Good