Erma Bombeck

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Children make your life important.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.