David Letterman

It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?

Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.

Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?

We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.

I cannot sing, dance or act what else would I be but a talk show host.

There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.