Rita Rudner

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

My Vegas act is how I make my money.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.