Robert Benchley

In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.

There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them.

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

You might think that after thousands of years of coming up too soon and getting frozen, the crocus family would have had a little sense knocked into it.

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.

A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death.