Groucho Marx

Women should be obscene and not heard.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Humor is reason gone mad.