“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.”
Tip: press → for another quote, C to copy, S to share.
I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40, 000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
