George Burns

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

I can't afford to die I'd lose too much money.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life.

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

At my age flowers scare me.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.