Mitch Hedberg

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!