Erma Bombeck

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

God created man, but I could do better.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Never order food in excess of your body weight.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.