Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide he exposes himself.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.