When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had… — Quoted

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“When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.”

Emo Philips · Morning

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Emo Philips

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Good

Emo Philips

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

Women

Emo Philips

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

Smile

Emo Philips

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Funny