Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress but I repeat myself.

Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.

The secret of getting ahead is getting started.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.

Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.

What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.

To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow there is no humor in Heaven.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.

The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.