Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

How young can you die of old age?