W. C. Fields

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy it's only a question of degree.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I never worry about being driven to drink I just worry about being driven home.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

I like children - fried.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.